What is the deal with much much MUCH younger men pursuing us older women? When I started dating, I imagined that I would be pursued by accomplished and distinguished gentlemen in their 40s and 50s. On my online profiles I indicate that I am interested in men five years younger than me and up to ten years older than me. But then, every day, these bewildering emails would come in from younger men in their 20s and 30s, and sometimes late teens (shudder). I have step-sons who are barely 30, and so anyone younger than that immediately activates a creepy pedophilia vibe.
Some of the these yungin’s send the dreaded one word messages: “hey”, “hi”, “Yo”, “hiya”. However, others have actively read through the profile and would write a paragraph or two. In the interest of expediency for both sides I usually respond with: “Thank you for your message, unfortunately you are too young for me. Good luck in your search”. I would then wait for the inevitable response: “age is just a number’’, “give me a chance”, “I know more than you give me credit for”, or “baby, I can go all night”. To that last one I itch to respond with “I don’t want a man who needs a GPS to a woman’s body”.
While I fancy myself a gem, alas I am not special, my female friends often experience this phenomenon. They also marvel, and their reaction swings from being flattered and fueling their swagger, to incredulous, or annoyance. I would click on these young suitor profiles and clean-shaven baby faces would look back at me. Our lists of favorite music, films, and TV shows has practically nothing in common. What do they possibly want with my stretch marked, varicose veined, harried, middle-aged self? So then I began asking the more persistent, as well as the more appealing ones (wink), “why”? “Shouldn’t you be dating women your age?”, “I am old enough to be your mother”, “Come to think of it, what would your mother think if she knew your girlfriend is older than her?”
From my first hand research, on the one end of the spectrum, the one that dips into the primordial dating cesspool, are the men who are looking for a sugar mama. These lads are usually easy to identify, at least for me, since I lived with one for 20 years. They send the one word greeting, have never heard of punctuation, and write in “txt style”, OMG! Their profiles are sparse, and they are stupid enough to indicate that they did not finish high school, don’t have a car, and work in retail. The kicker is the phrase: “willing to relocate”.
A bit higher on the evolutionary chain are the boys who are looking for sex, lots of it, unbridled and at Kama sutra level. They want the cougar that seduces, is in the throes of a pre-menopausal hormone tornado, and will gladly teach an eager young thing a thing or two. The lore is that we are secure in our bodies, have lost most of our inhibitions, and are either desperate for sex, or are nymphos. It seems every young man who I ended up questioning would tell me about that first older woman he had a relationship with that left an indelible stamp on his psyche.
My favorite eager young things, are the ones who like older women because they know who they are, know what they want, and there is no drama. She doesn’t want kids, she is secure in her profession, and she doesn’t need a man, but wants one.
About two years ago, Carlos, a handsome and built, 23 year old contacted me, and I answered with my usual “thank you, no thank you”. He wrote back, not with a canned answer full of bravado, but with wit, intelligence and charm. He obviously read my profile, and told me why he is interested specifically in me. Carlos came to the US as a teenager, got a degree, was working full time in urban planning, and was looking for someone to go to cultural events and explore the city. Since his occupation is uncommon, I was able to use his first name, and the city where he works to find him on LinkedIn. He was impressive. We texted back and forth for three weeks, but I was still too weirded out. A couple of years later, and another profile later, Carlos contacted me again. He was older, 25 to be exact, and he was even more charming and witty. I was very conflicted, I wanted to be adventurous try anything at least once, and I almost agreed to meet, but I even my curiosity has limits. Maybe in a few more years he will contact me again, and he won’t seem so young.
I want to be that older woman, the one younger men fantasize about. Wealthy, successful, sensual, sexually satisfied, confident, comfortable in her own skin, and goes after what she wants. I am almost there.
Dating LIfe Begins at 40 