8) From serial to parallel dating

I wanted to find a life partner but after periods of stop and go dating, I realized that my search for love was always losing out to kids, work or binge watching on Netflix.  Then I thought about it, if to be fulfilled I need to have a soul mate, shouldn’t I treat it as a priority?  I am a professional project manager, so I decided to date as a project with a plan, criteria and schedule.  This turned out very time consuming, and with three kids and a job, a logistical undertaking worthy of a four star general.

That Saturday morning, I fed the kids breakfast, retired to the privacy of my bedroom, and signed up simultaneously to three dating sites, each intended to capture a slightly different demographic.  Match.com for its wide-spread popularity, eHarmony befitting the serious relationship minded, and J-Date to hedge my bet with the tribe.  It took me a couple of hours to put together Match.com.  I came back from a bathroom break to find my tween daughter filling in the “looking for” portion of my profile.  She told me: “Mommy, don’t worry, I know what kind of a man we need.”  Good for her, because I sure didn’t know what I need.  It took me just another hour to Jew it up for J-Date.  eHarmony was a nightmare, I had to answer so many questions that I almost gave up and googled the thousands of answers to “how long does it take to answer eharmony questions?”

I had a multi-step plan, each phase fitting into the next, like a series of Russian nesting dolls.  This was a numbers game, and the objective was to build a pipeline of possibilities through the following activities that were only to terminate upon identification of “the one”:

1. Review potential matches recommended by each dating site and “wink”, “like” “flirt”, etc. which-ever ones passed my initial criteria.
2. Read emails daily, and again, review their profile for potential compatibility. Write a “thank you, no thank you email” for the rejects, and begin an exploratory correspondence with potentially suitable mates.
3. Go on a coffee dates with those who seemed literate and promising.
4. If a coffee meeting was a success, proceed to a real date.
5. Have multiple dates with the same man, until it either fizzles out, or I find my one and only.

Within a month, I went through hundreds of profiles, and to keep track of every suitor’s convoluted profile name (i.e. Joe20013LivingitupinDC) , I maintained a running roster of their profile aliases and corresponding real name.

Coffee dates, would usually last between an hour to an hour and a half, in addition to time for beautifying myself, and travel there and back. For effectiveness, I would have these shorter dates during my lunch breaks, within walking distance of work, or in a strip mall after I fed the kids dinner.  This meant regularly shifting my mind, wardrobe, and appearance between kids, work and men.

For first encounters, I like wearing dresses and heels, but what is suitable at work is not very feminine and attractive on a date.  So I became a master of flexible and quick outfit changes worthy of the Matahari herself.  I would wear a dress to work, a demure camisole underneath, with sensible heels, conservative jewelry and minimal makeup.  After work I would whip off the cami to reveal cleavage, slip on the sky high heels stashed in my bag, put on dangly jewelry, and of course dab on extra mascara and lipstick to show off my (natural) pout.  Sometimes this change would happen at the bathroom at work as I would sneak my dazzling self out, sometimes at a fast food restroom between work and the date, and sometimes even in the car.  Oh yes, my car was regularly stocked with cosmetics, make up remover, paper towels, tweezers, pantyhose, hair gel, brush, and changes of clothes.

Eventually, a few coffee dates turned into real dates to restaurants, movies, the theater, and of comedy clubs.  Some fizzled out after a few encounters, and following a couple of months of systematic dating and screening, I settled on a rotation of the same three guys on a regular basis.  Albert was a white 6’4 man exactly my age, so we actually got each other’s references to Mork and Mindy, and Weird Al Yankovic.  The second was Antonio, Hispanic, self-made professional who liked to dance and was in tip-top shape.  And rounding up the trio, Alroy, a 6’7 African American IT professional with a great sense of humor.  I called it “Dating the rainbow”.  I didn’t mean for it to be a rainbow, but it did tickle my fancy, and I even put down on my profile: “equal opportunity dater” (I hope this was not misinterpreted.)

I did question whether I should serial date, one man after the other until I settled on the right one.  Or should I parallel date a few guys simultaneously until I figured out who I liked best.  I decided that at my age, time is of the essence, and if I want to give my love life its due, I need to parallel date.  This turned out to be very very very very difficult.

I had to schedule every one of the men to make sure that they got enough attention from me, and to have an opportunity for our relationship to develop.  Each got one weeknight or lunch, as well as a few hours over the weekend, and with time in between for texting/emailing/etc.  On my smartphone and online calendar Albert, Antonio and Alroy, each had their own color coded entries and nick-name.

I won’t lie or demur, it was fun.  They looked differently, acted differently, and each had interests that appealed to a distinct side of me.  For Antonio, I was a seductress earth goddess, and during our encounters, as I batted my eyelashes, often a Spanish guitar would play in the background.  He was a Latin dance and love machine, and had an accent to die for.  I was not yummy, I was “jummy”, he went “chopping” for jewelry for me, oh, and apparently a “vagina” is a “bagina”.

With Albert, I let my sexy geek flag fly high.  He found my ethnic background fascinating, and he managed to learn many languages to the beginner level.  So he thought I sounded like Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle.  When I mentioned how I adore the ballet, a month later he surprised me with tickets to the Kennedy Center for my birthday.  I dropped my love for Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and he he took me to Spamalot.  Albert also fulfilled my life long dream of learning to play Dungeons and Dragons (and how I don’t want to ever do it again – Ever!)

Alroy was the definition of tall, dark, and handsome, and with a great sense of humor to boot.  With him I was a wholesome and fragile flower, and we explored different museums and restaurants together.

On top of raising three kids and holding down a responsible job, the mental gymnastics of dating three men simultaneously, while having their perks (wink, wink), turned out to be too much even for my versatile brain.  As I was getting ready to see Albert, Antonio would text, and Alroy would call.  I had to be careful not to mix up their names, our activities, preferences, etc.  I also had to be careful for the babysitter not to see me meeting three different men.  Thankfully, she is a bit hard of hearing and short sighted, and she seemed to always cheer my attempts at finding love.

So eventually, I had to let two of them go and break it off.  Alroy and I began drifting away, since I was not good at being a delicate flower, I just let us drift apart.  Albert was more difficult, because I honestly liked him, I just didn’t “love” him.  I didn’t want to tell him that unbeknownst to him, there was a contest that he lost.  So I told that my ex-boyfriend wants to try again and I want to give him a second chance.  Apparently, he has heard this one before from other women. Ouch.

Antonio, to this day, he does not know that there was a contest, and that he won.  Although about a year later, I did end up breaking up with him as well.  It was an exhausting, but fun filled six months.

6) Dating Rules #2 – It’s all about the money honey

Warning:  This one is not funny.  It’s about the money honey.

One thing I’ve had the most trouble figuring out is who pays on a date.  I am a devout feminist, and when I first started dating I thought that men and women, being equal, should split the costs equally.  After all, I am getting as much pleasure (or torture) from going out, so I should pay my fair share.

But what is this fair share?  The cost of going out for a single parent is exorbitantly high.  The dinner and movie alone are around $80.  On top of that is babysitting which at $15/hour for 6 hours brings the total for the evening to $170.  So outings once or twice a week can easily translate into a $1,000 a month.  Should my date be expected to pick up the cost of child care as well?  Or is this my own burden to bear?

I looked around, and men my age seem to be going out when ever their fancy strikes them.  In fact, many seem to have lots of free time, and the disposable income to go along with it.  What is going on?  Don’t they have equal incomes, and equal expenses?  (Stop laughing, this sentence was not meant to be funny.)  I am an economist, and from that perspective, women are unfairly economically disadvantages by a number of cumulative factors.

Let’s start with the obvious.  On average, men out-earn women.  The US Bureau of Labor Statics “Women’s Earnings Report 2012“, states that women made 81 cents for every dollar earned by men.  The numbers differ slightly across demographics, for example, women in my age bracket earned even less, only 75 cents on the dollar.

In case you are curious, there are about the same number of dateable men and women in the US, which includes those who are divorced, widowed and never married, but preclude those married or separated.  According to the “Living Arrangements 2012 study of the US Census Bureau“, in my age range, there are 2% more available women than men, or 3.45 million to 3.39 million.  I’ll take those odds.

Alas, the odds continue to eat away at women’s finances and time and ability to date. In the US there are almost 5 times more single mothers than single fathers, and of those in my age range (45-49) , only 8% of men are single fathers, while 30% of women are single mothers.  Even then, single fathers out-earn single mothers.

Surveys have found that, typical upper middle class families allocate a significant portion of their income to child related expenses, such as clothes, health costs, and child care.  To a family with three children that could amount to nearly half of the parents combined income.  However, during a divorce, courts make a determination according to a formula, or “guidelines”.  For example, in Virginia it is assumes that just over a quarter of a parent’s income should go towards child support.  Thus the custodial parent, which is usually a woman, ends up making up for the 20% short fall.  But since on average, it is women who earn less than their exes, they need to devote an even larger share of their income to children, or as much as 72%.

Well, some child support is better than none, right?  According to the US Census’ “Custodial Mothers and Fathers and their Child Support: 2011” children are receiving less than half the child support they are entitled to.  More specifically, 74% of custodial parents receive at least some of the child support they are due, of which only 43% receive full child support payments.  Interestingly, single mothers and fathers are just as likely to collect child support.  However, since the overwhelming majority of single parents are mothers, this has a much more detrimental financial effect on women.

That same publication notes that non-custodial parents, again mostly men, do provide noncash support.  Unfortunately, a look at the table shows that most of it is for optional and fun expenses, such as gifts for birthdays and holidays, while support for necessities such as medical expenses and child care was least.  So it does little to offset the costs of raising children.

The worst is that almost half, 43%, of parents have lost contact with their child.  So the single parents, again mostly women, have to pick up the slack and devote even more of their time and their money towards child rearing.  Apologies  in advance for the dark humor, but what are all these dead beat parents, mostly men, doing with their extra time and money?  Dating!

I took an unofficial survey of the teen and pre-teen set, and this is what they said: “It is only polite for the man to pay”. “Men should invite a woman out and pay.”  “I want free food, but not McDonalds, because I can pay for that myself.”  It seems the younger generation understands how the world works, because until men and women truly equally spend time and money on their children, men should pay.

4) Dating – What’s in a name

Would a rose by any other name smell just as sweet?  Apparently not!  A woman’s screen name on a dating site can set the tone of future interactions. So in all fairness to men, yes, it is difficult to find a good one online, but some of the fault may lie with me.  It seems I am screen name challenged.

In my initial foray into online dating, I wanted to convey that I am someone who is both a serious woman with a career and children, but who also enjoys life and has fun.  I like dichotomies, as I am myself one, as well as is life in general.  I think it is the Russian part of my brain that allows me to hold two simultaneously seemingly contradictory thoughts.  Well, I racked this brain for quite a while.  It was late, and as I was getting ready for sleep, I had a fool’s gold of a thought.  “Why not keep it simple?”  “I am both serious and fun, so I should be “SeriousFun”.  I happily entered my screen name, created my profile, and went to sleep.  The next day I rushed around as any single working-mom does, and later that evening, I logged into my account.  Tumbling out came numerous messages with all sorts of propositions for “serious fun”, and “how much fun can we seriously have”, “how serious are you about fun”, and some that didn’t even try to be clever.    I managed to weed out a few people who showed promise, but within a month of non-stop propositions, and lascivious chat messages, I closed down the profile.  Even a year, and another profile name later, someone wrote me: “Hey, are you still looking for ‘serious fun’?”  Aaaaggggghhhhhh.

Once my profile would close, I would lie low for a few months recovering from the onslaught of middle aged male sleaziness.  However, hope springs eternal. Eventually a sleepless night would come and I would venture back into online dating.  Unfortunately, more disastrous  screen names followed.  I tried to sound exotic and interesting with “Krasovitsa”, which means “Pretty little one” in Russian.  However, men could not spell it, much less pronounce it, and my profile languished in its exotic loneliness.

A few months later, and on another sleepless night, I went back online again.  This time, I thought to demonstrate my multifaceted creative nature, and came up with “Funtasiya”.  Men wrote to me in droves, obviously with images of strippers and escorts dancing in their heads.

Most recently, after a year since “Funtasiya” closed its virtual doors, I decided to wade back into the dating pool.  I was determined to do it right this time, and spent quite a bit of time constructing a profile that really showed who I am.  The process took quite a while, since this site requires everyone to answer about 100 questions, and it was getting late.  Again, I wanted to make sure to be taken as an intelligent and worthwhile woman.  So under the loom of midnight, I named myself “PolyGlot”, a speaker of multiple languages.  Once again the messages came in, interestingly, many of them from couples, and many others who strongly declared themselves as strictly not monogamous.  The mystery was solved when I was asked how long I have been poly, which turns out to be short for “polyamorous”, or people who prefer to be in relationships with multiple partners.

I went back and put a disclaimer on my profile that I am not “polyamorous”, but rather a polyglot.  Unfortunately, as I wrote earlier, men often do not read, but rather click on the pretty photos.  There was one who showed promise, Ron, who is my age, an engineer, single, likes Renaissance Fairs and teaches self-defense classes on the side.  After a month of correspondence, I finally threw in the towel and closed my account when I received this from him (edited for brevity):

“Poly… well, I am currently dating two women, both of who are married. It is open and honest, their husbands know about it, but I am tired of being in relationships that have limits and that have to be secret in some circles. I went on vacation with one married couple and had to be “just a friend” in front of the woman’s sister and brother-in-law.  So I am involved in open an honest non-monogamy at this time but willing to change. I understand what you mean about it making things complicated, I find one-on-one dates easy to navigate, it is only in group situations (like when I was on vacation with the one couple) that figuring out roles can be challenging. Linda, I already know would be fine if she and I became “just friends” because of another relationship. I also still need to finalize my divorce. 

Well, this weekend is very busy. You?”

Dam right I was busy.

So what are the lessons of the story?  I am sure that I have not run out of terrible screen names, particularly not in the middle of the night.  So I am asking for your help, you know me, and I trust you, help me choose a screen name.   Any serious (just not seriously fun) ideas will be entertained.

1) Dating – More Fun with Photos

Hi everyone,

Every so often I decide to dip my toes into the online dating pool, and boy, does it run the gamut from crystal clear waters to a swamp.  On the upside,I realize how rich the world is and how many fascinating people are out there.  Even better, at our age, most have gotten tired of putting on airs and just let their real self hang out.  I am beginning to develop a theory that the older people get, on average, the more eccentric they become.  On the downside, there are also the scammers, those looking for a quick hookup, and frankly the boring and stupid ones.  Yes, I know, it is politically incorrect, but I said it.  There!  At the very least, online dating can be a source of humor and entertainment.

I recently sent out a rather unfortunate photo someone posted, and a friend’s comment compelled me to  share with you some of my observations about men and their online photos.  To be fair, I have not perused women’s online profiles, so this may be one sided, but here go some common ouch’es and yuck’s:

– The top photo pose for a man is the bathroom mirror selfie.  I always wonder if they just finished their business and thought “Boy, I feel good.  Time to take that sexy sophisticated toilet selfie”.

– A second favorite is in their car.  It is if they are declaring: “Yeah! I can drive”, and I want to ask: “Moron, was the car moving when you took this photo?”.  My favorite was of a bus driver in full uniform standing in front of his bus.  Hey, doesn’t everyone dream of dating a man in uniform?  Actually, does he know what they say about men who over-compensate by driving big cars?

– My top pet peeve, is when they take the selfie in their home, and you can see all the mess and garbage in the background.  Maybe they are looking for a woman to clean their house and they are advertising?

– Then there are the creepy ones of pictures with their children, or worse, other people’s children.

– Or the ones with them and their exes cut out.  You just see a woman’s hand, or a torso with a big black circle where the head should be.  What did those men do to these women?

– There is also the defeatist strategy of posting pictures of themselves with their much more handsome, taller, fitter friends.

– There are many more, but the worst are photos that are ten years out of date.  Invariably, they are younger, slimmer, and have lots more hair.  Yes, that happened to me more than once.  Who wants to date an insecure liar?

Well, time to check my online dating account.